cutting

i'm half way through Cerulean Sins. Hamilton wrote something quite profound and i wonder if she really understood that what she wrote was right on the mark.

for those who read her: Richard (big cry baby Ulfric werewolf) was do depressed he cut off his incredibly long and luscious hair. Hamilton basically said that if he hadn't cut his hair, he would have just cut other things (or done more harm to himself.) as a cutter, i get it. my hair, recently, was down to my butt. i was having a really hard time feeling fucked up what with the panic attacks and shit and i badly, BADLY wanted to razor blade my arm. instead, i cut my hair and it worked! i just chopped it right off and felt better. i thought it was a pretty good compromise and so did my shrink. Maniac Mike, on the other hand, was bummed about my hair until i told him it was hair or blood and he got it. well, as much as he can "get it". the whole cutting to feel better thing mystifies him. that mystifies me because he is an addict and should know better.

the past two nights i have woken with panic attacks and wonder why. they were so bad i took way to much meds but finally was able to knock myself out around 4am.

i blame it all on the summer schedule. (what else!) and it would be nice if my family called to check up on me, just to make sure i'm not dead or something.