oh, what we wish we could do

big day at the library (after a holiday) and the morning crew was short staffed. first thing i heard from the first person i said hello to was, "so and so (especially bad patron) was in and she went on and on about a hold that we 'lost' and how bad the system is and when are we going to be able to tell her where she is in the hold queue...rant, rant, rant. i wanted to punch her, then kick her teeth out and spit on her body as she lay writhing on the floor."

yep, it was a tough morning.

i'll have a double

went to the psych today. he's doubling my Klonipin. last night, i had those weird, jerky, not-quite-here feelings. woke me up right out of a sound sleep. my legs and arms felt jerky and i felt like i had to do something...but what? run? hide? since i can't sleep with this feeling (it physically jerks me up out of bed), i went downstairs to lay on the couch. then i put in a DVD. then i ate. then i said, "Fuck it!" and took two Ativan. then i went back to bed, laid on my hands so they would not fly out and jerk around and told myself i'd better damn well get to sleep!

i did not think this episode and ones like it that i have too often were panic attacks.

today, the doc told me these were panic attacks and he had a specific name for them (like low-symptom or something). in other words, my body was panicking without the tell-tale symptoms like rapid heartbeat, perspiring, trouble breathing, etc. weird. i told him i felt weird all day and wondered why i would since the episode was last night. he said it is a remnant...carried over. i still feel weird, almost like i am not quite here and my arms feel jerky but i am not in a panic at all. i HATE this feeling, though. i would rather have pain or a migraine or most anything than this awful feeling while at work. at home, i can deal with it. at work, it just fucks up my whole day (more than the actual work would fuck up my day).

i also asked him about pep pills...something to help me get and stay awake. i am exhausted all the time. right now, he does not want to give me anything because i am basically on 'downers' but perhaps in the future. he mentioned that he felt bad that i already take a lot of meds but i told him that i was no Tom Cruise...bring it on!

a mighty thong

there is a young, blonde ,very large girl that visits her boyfriend regularly. she dresses well. she is atleast a size 26. she is really big but she isn't all jiggley like some obese women. probably because she is still so young. we don't really have a name for her so we just call her The Fat Girl even though many female visitors could also be named the same. anyway, yesterday, when she was bending down to take the Coke out of the soda machine, Maniac Mike told me he thought she was wearing a thong. i didn't believe him. so i watched her, too and sure enough, she was wearing a black thong. where does someone get a size 26 thong?? the only place i could think of was Lane Bryant. can you see all those massive thongs laid out on a table like they do at Victoria's Secret? that would have to be one big table.

i feel bad for the Fat Girl because she visits her boyfriend who was once arrested for hitting her! apparently, they had many fights (according to the boyfriend who has talked to MM). the boyfriend denied he ever hit her but that she hit him. of course, they all deny it. i'm not sure what he is in for...i'll have to ask MM again.

herd mentality

something i noticed in the visiting room: not everyone cleans the really filthy tables before they put their food on them but just about everyone wipes the top of the cola cans before they open them and drink from them.

things here have been slow and boring. i have a four day weekend and all i have done is visit my husband and watch movies. i am now so exhausted all the time that even 16 hours of straight sleep leaves me yawning. even eating takes too much energy and after a shower, i need to lay down. the good news is my panic attacks have almost stopped (but i am dreaming way too much) and i have been able to put the top down on the convertible finally after a million fucking days of nothing but rain.

i still don't know how to use spell check.

banana phone

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/badgerphone.php

this will make you crazy!

no more Midrin

the other day, i got a big surprise. my migraine medicine, Midrin, is no longer being manufactured because it was not raking in enough money. fuck. so, now i am trying out the generic, Duradrin, which used to make me sick. the good news is my copay is 3 bucks compared to the 15 bucks i paid for the name brand. god, i love my prescription plan (thanks to the Union!) i may grumble over my 27 dollar per week copay and i may grumble about my 24 dollar a month Union dues...but i would be seriously screwed without it.

Hino has a car (clear the road!)

Hino has a car! if i remember correctly, it is a 1998 Dodge Caravan. it is not as purple as this van; more like a lavender mist (silver/lavender). it is HUGE. i don't think i could drive it. he has to practice backing up and parking. the interior is immaculate and the exterior is free from damage (other that a windshieldd blade with rubber coming off). he drove me around a little and i tried really hard not to scream. those 2 tranquilizers i took at work really helped. now he has 20 days to register it and we need to get him AAA.

so, i gave you fair warning: Hino is on the roadways!