Tuesday, May 30, 2006

i'll have a double

went to the psych today. he's doubling my Klonipin. last night, i had those weird, jerky, not-quite-here feelings. woke me up right out of a sound sleep. my legs and arms felt jerky and i felt like i had to do something...but what? run? hide? since i can't sleep with this feeling (it physically jerks me up out of bed), i went downstairs to lay on the couch. then i put in a DVD. then i ate. then i said, "Fuck it!" and took two Ativan. then i went back to bed, laid on my hands so they would not fly out and jerk around and told myself i'd better damn well get to sleep!
i did not think this episode and ones like it that i have too often were panic attacks.
today, the doc told me these were panic attacks and he had a specific name for them (like low-symptom or something). in other words, my body was panicking without the tell-tale symptoms like rapid heartbeat, perspiring, trouble breathing, etc. weird. i told him i felt weird all day and wondered why i would since the episode was last night. he said it is a remnant...carried over. i still feel weird, almost like i am not quite here and my arms feel jerky but i am not in a panic at all. i HATE this feeling, though. i would rather have pain or a migraine or most anything than this awful feeling while at work. at home, i can deal with it. at work, it just fucks up my whole day (more than the actual work would fuck up my day).
i also asked him about pep pills...something to help me get and stay awake. i am exhausted all the time. right now, he does not want to give me anything because i am basically on 'downers' but perhaps in the future. he mentioned that he felt bad that i already take a lot of meds but i told him that i was no Tom Cruise...bring it on!

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