why can't i read

currently listening to Black Creek Crossing by John Saul. i do not like the performer, but the story is good. features a haunted house, a mysterious cat and a grimoire (so far). the story revolves around two misfit teens, Seth and Angel. Angel and her pious mom and alcoholic, no good dad move in to a haunted house and weird things start happening to Angel.

also on the third book in the Area 51 series. they are soooo poorly written but they are an easy, quick read and, of course, they feature UFO's and alien stuff.

i have been forcing myself to read. i have been really depressed lately and i've been shaking every day and i feel like a load of shit is bearing down on me. i think i am having exhaust issues with the car, i am going to owe money this tax season, Hino is away and i am worried, and i can't seem to save any money. three of my teeth have been hurting so bad, i can only eat soft, lukewarm food and i am petrified of going to the dentist. i have dream after exhausting dream and i have woken up with that awful foreboding feeling that someone is in my room. i sleep with the lights on half the night. on top of it all is this empty feeling of inadequacy. i don't know how to do things and i don't know how to handle things. the only place i feel adequate is at work but i need to tranquilizers to even get to work.

anyway, about reading. reading is my most favorite thing to do...or, it used to be. it relaxed me and made me forget for awhile. i love bios, memoirs and nonfiction, but i will read my favorite novelists, too. i used to be able to read 3 or 4 books a week, easily and remember what i read. now, it is a struggle to get through one book a month. i remember telling my psychiatrist that the day i can no longer read is the day i die. i meant it. i still mean it. so much has been taken away from me because of illness and craziness. if i'm not at work, or visiting my husband, i am sleeping. i hate it. i hate that i cannot read a damn book without falling asleep. i hate it that i can't follow a simple plotline and i hate the fact that i can now read a book, completely forget it so that i can read it again and not remember a damn thing about it. so, i am forcing myself to read something. it is difficult and damn depressing.

think of your most favorite thing to do. now imagine your ability to do that is slowly taken away from you over years. know that it will never be fun for you again. know that it will never get better. now, deal with it.